So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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