Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
