***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
