and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
