we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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