Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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