The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
