yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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