The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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