i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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