You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
