They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
