So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
