just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
