i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
