I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
