Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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