$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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