I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
