Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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