My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
