I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
this hospital has no fireball
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
