If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
