Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
