I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
