What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
