Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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