Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
