i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
