3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
