the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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