do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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