Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
