Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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