Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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