Who wears a wallet chain?!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize