Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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