went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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