I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
