I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
