franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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