2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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