My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
