Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
