Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
