I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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