Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
