I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
