Where are you?
In a non slutty way
this beer tastes like vomit already
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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