The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
