can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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