That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
