so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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