you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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