is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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