Porn is love you can see.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
