She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
