This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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