Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cut my penus on the lid.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
